


Notes from the desk of the Barrayaran Cultural Liaison Officer

by Ankaret



Category: Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Genre: Epistolary, Gen, Humor, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-15
Updated: 2011-06-15
Packaged: 2017-10-20 10:52:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/212008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ankaret/pseuds/Ankaret
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The job of Barrayaran Cultural Liaison Officer is one that often makes its holder wish for a transfer, perhaps even to a weather station.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Notes from the desk of the Barrayaran Cultural Liaison Officer

FOR THE ATTENTION OF THE BARRAYARAN CULTURAL LIAISON OFFICER  
LITERARY DIVISION

FROM: checkmyearrings@betacolony.org

hi so im writing a book set in the age of isoliation and i need to know if u use these words:

plasma arc  
licensed registered sexual therapist  
horse

if not what u say instead? ha ha

* * *

FROM: trustmeimabaron@jacksons-whole.biz

My Dear Cultural Liaison Officer

A small, privately published monograph of my own creation requires some specialised knowledge of Barrayaran contract law. I do trust you will be able to answer the short list of two hundred and seventy-five questions below. Thank you for your attention to confidentiality and promptness in this matter.

Yours fondly, _Gupta_

P.S I also wonder whether you could assist me with a small matter of import regulations. Should category 3.561, _Books bound in synthesised human skin_ , be used for books whose materials were created in a more organic manner?

* * *

FROM:vorproperly@betacolony.com

I just love everything about Barrayar!!!! It's so quaint. The only thing is, I can't believe that women there really call their jackets boleros. You probably don't know this, because it's only something that gets mentioned every time someone from Barrayar goes into a Betan dress shop and a couple of times a month on the Laughter Therapy Channel, but over here 'bolero' is a kind of music involving trumpets!!! I'm writing a novel about a collective of women who fight against oppressive conditions (kind of like the Quadrangle Shirtwaist case on Beta, you probably won't know all the tiny details of that) and I wondered if it would be all right if whenever the sources say 'bolero' I translated it as 'jodhpurs'. After all, I wouldn't want to confuse people and make them think I was writing about oppressed trumpeters instead! Thank you so much!!!!

* * *

FROM: curious@kibodaini.cryo

how do vor make a baby

* * *

FROM: checkmyearrings@betacolony.org

hi im back with more questions ha ha

i know u dont wear earrings but what wd a widow wear during the time of isoliation if she wanted people to know she was lking for a non-exclusive partner, male or herm? also how long would it take to ride from one continent to the other? im thinking maybe forty-eight hours with no breaks but wanted to check. thx!

also can u help me find a barrayaran publisher for my book? thx ha ha

* * *

FROM: trustmeimabaron@jacksons-whole.biz

Dear Old Boy,

I note that you have not responded to my questions. It seems the situation there is more - complicated than I had imagined. I have already placed a crate of entirely legal and morally unblemished merchandise under your name at the Port Authority. The collection code is 4545B. Please don't be embarrassed - indeed, I hold you in even more respect for striking a hard bargain.

Now, about my questions. To work, eh, cultural liaison officer? - now that we are business associates.

Yours very fondly, _Gupta_

* * *

FROM: barrayarn@bonsanklar.biz

Dear Cultural Liaison Officer

As you may know we are a small firm specialising in knitted replicas of famous objects and people. We would like to visit ImpSec to discuss our new range of historical patterns, including 'Itty Bitty Simon Illyan', 'Lil' Cap'n Negri', 'Vidal Vordarian With Detachable Head' and 'Prince Ezar Commemorative Pincushion'.

Please let us know when we can drop in for a cup of tea and a cosy chat.

* * *

FROM: checkmyearrings@betacolony.org

ok so i want my heros armsman to bring him a cake in prison with a file in it and then help him escape, would it be ok if they filed through the bars while the guard is giving them a seminar on the dangers of too much sugar?

and u didnt answer my question about earrings earlier ha ha and now i need to know what my hero wd wear to show that he is in a consensual bdsm relationship with his armsman. is there a way of showing that the armsman is the top?

* * *

FROM: perplexed@vorlightly.mil

I know you mostly deal with enquiries from outside Barrayar, but my Cousin Gilles Vorlightly said that he knew you socially and you might be able to help. I'm about to leave for my year in Beta Colony as a recipient of the Regent-Consort's Scholarship. As you can imagine, I'm very excited! But how do I persuade the cultural exchange officer at my dorm at Beta Tech that it really is all right for me to have my Grandmother's steam-samovar in my room and that I'm not going to sue the university for 'possible scalding damage'? She's acting like I want to keep a horse in there!

Ellen Vorlightly

P.S Where do I find underground stabling for my horse on Beta?

P.P.S I'm kidding.

P.P.P.S I mean about the horse, not the steam-samovar. I really need to take it with me, or by the time I get back my Cousin Lord Vorlightly's wife will have told everyone my Grandmother left it to her. Which she didn't.

P.P.P.P.S Thanks!

* * *

FROM: no-reply@portauthority.hub

URGENT --- ATTENTION CULTURAL LIAISON OFFICER --- URGENT  
A suspicious package has been logged on arrival from Jackson's Whole. It is registered as your property. Please call at your earliest convenience to discuss the port fees and outstanding fines.

* * *

FROM: vorproperly@betacolony.com

I just love everything about your wonderful culture. It tickles me to death to think of you sitting there reading this message in a House uniform with a starched collar!!! Maybe you could send me some pictures? Anyway, I need some help with my research. I haven't been able to find ANY Barrayaran reactions to important events on Beta during the Time of Isolation. The records for the time all just seem to be taken up with local preoccupations like palace coups and people fighting duels with each other. No one even mentions the Dollar Crisis, or even the marches and sit-ins at Silica University! Surely there must have been people on Barrayar who were interested in politics, as well as celebrity gossip and sport!!!!

* * *

FROM: checkmyearrings@betacolony.org

still thinking about the cake

do they have frosting on barrayr or do they call it icing or something else? and also how a vor wash dishes?

* * *

FROM: the_haut_lin@starcreche.org

To the cultural liaison officer and his genetic constellation, greetings.

I need to know about the social structure of Barrayar for a project. Please explain the precise ways in which it is the same as Cetaganda, or if you cannot do that, the precise ways in which it is inferior and imperfect. In what ways does your so-called Empire strive to attain perfection and superiority? Also please give details of major festivals and cultural events.

I also require some genetic samples: I send a suitable sterile container by separate courier.

Sent in the time of pine-branches and third western iteration of burned incense, by the hand of the haut Lin Rezella, aged 3 years and four standard months.

* * *

FROM: trustmeimabaron@jacksons-whole.biz

My Friend,

I am... intrigued by your negotiating tactics. You, as they say, play hardball. I do trust that you will not find yourself behindhand with your resources. To test the patience of Gupta is to test oneself; perhaps, even, to breaking point. But I am delighted to play. I always welcome additions to my library, whether in the form of literary matter or raw materials.

Yours most fondly indeed, _Gupta_


End file.
